Hawkeye isn't impressed and urges Radar to come clean and be himself in answering Mary Jo's request for his feelings. Radar tells Hawkeye about a pen pal named Mary Jo Carpenter in Montana he's traded photos and letters with, but it turns out Radar has told her he is a 6’2″ Captain with smooth black hair and is a surgeon fighting in the Korean War. Frank takes the bait and has Radar send an urgent cable to his stockbroker to sell off his entire portfolio and purchase all the stock in Pioneer Aviation possible. The letter is addressed to his father, name-drops a certain Senator Magrid, and is about a stock tip for a company called Pioneer Aviation, a small company with a new government contract that could turn a small investment into millions.
Hawkeye thinks it crude for Frank to profit from the war, so to teach him a humility lesson, he plants a fake letter on his bunk he knows Frank will read. Blake immediately reaches for the “Klinger” folder and reads a laundry list of previous “letters” from home, culminating in the epic “half the family dying, other half pregnant” letter. Klinger presents a “letter” to Colonel Blake stating Klinger's father is in a coma, could soon die, and he should come home to Toledo for the funeral. Henry was hoping it was a chocolate and sour cream cake, but Lorraine did tell him seven episodes ago (“ Henry in Love”) she was going to mail her checking information so he could balance the checkbook.įrank gets a letter from his stockbroker, informing him his investments appreciated $2,000 in the last month and have doubled since the war started. Henry receives a postcard for a Tokyo massage parlor and a package from Lorraine: check stubs, bank checks, and cancelled checks. Hawkeye receives an oversize sweater from his (still-existing) sister.
Trapper gets a new photo of his two daughters plus a batch of cookies they baked with no help (“I wish someone had,” snorts Hawkeye.)
It's mail call at the 4077th, and Radar is the most popular man in camp, fighting off hordes of personnel looking for their letters from home. Meanwhile, Hawkeye learns he has successfully tricked Frank into buying stocks in the fictitious company, Pioneer Aviation. The arrival of a new batch of mail makes Trapper depressed and he wants to desert, despite Hawkeye's efforts otherwise.